Humor

BOTTLEGATE Sarah Netanyahu Busted for Scalping 13,000 State Bottles for 30 Agorot Deposit

rafifarber Humor, The Jewish Libertarian Blog ,

Seeing this story brought me back to two low but high points in my life. The first was when I first got married. Always the frugal types, instead of going out on dates that cost money, my wife and I would walk around Givat Shmuel collecting bottles some nights. Before we had kids and before I had any kind of career. Eventually we collected enough for me to get a 600 shekel beer kit and I ended up brewing really bad-tasting Farbeer. I still have the buckets and still use them to collect rainwater. I fill the toilet tank with it sometimes.

These are sort of like Great Depression-era habits, like stories from people who grew up in the 30’s who do things like reuse plastic silverware because that’s what they did when they were 12 in 1933.

It was a low point because what kind of schmuck goes out collecting bottles with his wife. It was a high point because I am the kind of schmuck who would do that and she married me.

The other low-high point was when I was kidnapped into the army for 6 months. Instead of taking the bus from the bowels of Tzrifin to the front gate, I would do the 35 minute walk, collecting bottles on the way. There is no creature in the solar system that needlessly buys and throws away mountains of bottles and cans everywhere like an 18 year old pisher Israeli soldier jobnik. Every day I would collected close to 100, through the train station to Petach Tikva Segula to drop them off at the old חצי חינם in the dispenser and get my credit.

That’s about 30 shekels every day. A high point because it was a lot of money, a low point because what kind of schmuck in מדים goes on a train with a back pack full and 3 to 4 bags of cans? Me.

But what Sara Netanyahu did was really a low-low-low point, even for her. And my opinion of her ain’t so grand as you would guess. Because she gets enough tax money from me as it is. She really, really does not need 30 agorot more.

Apparently, for years, Sara Netanyahu would tell her housekeeping staff to collect the bottles from official State functions at the Prime Minister’s Residence, redeem them at supermarkets, and give her the cash. Wow. I’m speechless.

She did this for years, apparently, until the State Comptroller got word of it, started investigating, and then suddenly the money was returned via private Netanyahu family check (as “private” as private can be when dealing with the Prime Minister’s tax money) in May 2013 for a grand whopping insane sum of ₪4000, or 13,333 bottles.

I keep having this picture in my brain of a bunch of Oompa Loompas in the employ of Sara Netanyahu dancing out of the Netanyahu residence full of bottles and twirling and singing their way to the nearest supermarket.

I guess one could argue that if the state left the bottles at her house, then the money is hers. But on second thought, it’s just creepy.

The Best Lines from Dave Barry’s 2014 Thunderous Bidet Year in Review

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Just reading this now. Dave Barry is my mentor in writing. He doesn’t know that, but I’ve always looked up to him. Before I got all libertarianish and serious and fiery I was primarily a humor writer. You can see my old college stuff here.

Dave Barry, I am convinced, is a libertarian at heart. For the whole review, click here. Here’s my favorite part (so far, I haven’t finished reading yet):

In Washington scandal news, the Internal Revenue Service, responding to a subpoena, tells congressional investigators that it cannot produce 28 months of Lois Lerner’s emails because the hard drive they were stored on failed, and the hard drive was thrown away, and the backup tapes were erased, and no printed copies were saved — contrary to the IRS’s own record-keeping policy, which was eaten by the IRS’s dog. “It was just one crazy thing after another,” states the IRS, “and it got us to thinking: All these years we’ve been subjecting taxpayers to everything short of rectal probes if they can’t produce EVERY SINGLE DOCUMENT WE WANT, and here we lose YEARS worth of official records! So from now on, if taxpayers tell us they lost something, or just plain forgot to make a tax payment, we’ll be like, ‘Hey, whatever! Stuff happens!’ Because who are we to judge?”

…

…President Obama announces that the U.S. military, which finally, with much fanfare, managed to get out of Iraq after a long string of operations including Operation Desert Fox, Operation Iraqi Freedom and Operation New Dawn, is commencing an operation in … Iraq. This new operation — against a group called “ISIL,” an acronym that stands for “ISIS” — is hampered when a technical glitch causes the Pentagon’s Operation Name Generator to spew out a string of unacceptable candidates, including Operation Staunch Bedspread, Operation Iron Tapeworm and Operation Thunderous Bidet. While technicians work to solve the problem, the military is forced to refer to the new operation as “Bob.”

…
In military news, the Pentagon announces that it has finally come up with a name for the current U.S. actions in Iraq and Syria: “Operation Inherent Resolve.” Seriously, that is the actual name. They should have gone with Thunderous Bidet.

…
In sports, the top college football teams play in the traditional year-end bowl games, including the TaxSlayer Bowl, the Bitcoin Bowl, the Popeyes Bahamas Bowl, the Duck Commander Bowl and the Thunderous Bidet Bowl. All but one of these are actual bowl games.

Everyone Donate a Shekel to Sheli Yechimovich

rafifarber Humor, The Jewish Libertarian Blog ,

Just came across this on Facebook. Apparently, Sheli Yechimovich, who in a past life was probably one of Joseph Stalin’s mistresses, though I have no proof of this in addition to the fact that I don’t believe in reincarnation, is apparently asking people to stop donating to her campaign because she has raised the legal maximum and every donation above that will have to be returned, which “involves a lot of bureaucratic headaches.”

So someone donated her a shekel just to piss her off.

I call on everyone to donate 1 shekel to the Bolshevik Bimbo.

One at a time, so she has to file nonsense for each one. Due to some campaign finance law she probably helped create.

A friend comments, “I asked Sheli Yechimovich to stop her political career because it’s causing me “a lot of bureaucratic headaches” and I didn’t even get a shekel.

WTF: How I ended up in a Lesbian Sex Shop in Tel Aviv Without Realizing It

rafifarber Humor, The Jewish Libertarian Blog ,

I’m still scratching my head as to how the hell this happened.

An old high school friend contacted me a few weeks ago telling me he’d be in Israel for a week. I met up with him today with my family and his at the Tel Aviv port to hang out and catch up, let our kids play in the parks there and go out to eat. He was staying at his cousin’s house and wanted to get his cousin a gift for hosting him for the week, so we went around the port mall to find a place that sells kitcheny sort of stuff.

We were walking around outside and Fry, my 5 month old son, is clearly hungry and needs to nurse, so we duck into this strange looking but nice post-modernish store so she can sit and nurse him. The style is nice but clearly weird, with all kinds of artsy kind of stuff hanging like a modern art museum. There is actually a small stand with glitzy kitchen-looking stuff, ceramic vegetable bakers or some such thing. So we go near those to see while the wife sits down to nurse. I start to notice that the staff are all women with short hair who are looking at us like we don’t belong here.

Here’s a picture of the place I found on Google Maps.

 

Lesbian Sex Shop in Tel Aviv
Lesbian Sex Shop in Tel Aviv

Then I look on one of the walls and see a sketch of four women with enormous breasts hanging down to the floor. I naturally pointed it out to my friend and we proceeded to crack up, reverting back to being in high school, and chalking the painting up to some post-modern taste or something like that.

Then we see a gift shop sort of thing at the end of the building, and walk in, trying to kill time while Fry is nursing. I didn’t spend more than 3 seconds in there, but I noticed a whole wall covered with very large purple and neon green dildos and other colors I didn’t care to remember, but they were all vivid and I’m color blind. At this point my friend and I were cracking up noticeably, thanking God that our kids are all too young to know what any of this stuff is. The staff of short-haired women begins to get annoyed at us, because we are clearly religious with very young children and in the wrong place for any time.

As I duck out of the gift shop, one of the staff asks me if I need help. I say, stifling laughter, “Sure, they’re looking for kitchen stuff, a house-warming gift or something,” pointing to my friend and his wife, who is by now feeling very awkward as well. The staff woman starts showing them the ceramic stuff, which we already saw, and I’m on the other side of the wall, across from where my wife is nursing the baby, the image of 20 dildos still stuck in my head.

Then I turn around and see two television screens on a loop of about 3-5 seconds, one showing someone’s butt shaking right against the screen in furious motion. The other is in a loop focusing on what looked like a covered male genital area. I still haven’t figured out how that fits into the whole lesbian thing. Maybe it’s a bisexual thing or they don’t discriminate, or they want to make the straights feel more comfortable.

I make eye contact with my wife, and she looks at the monitors, which were in front of her the whole time as she’s nursing the baby but she didn’t notice. Then she gets a really disturbed look on her face and we all decide to get the hell out of there, mid nurse. Fry is not happy.

When we get out, we notice that the name of the place is “Sisters Rule the World” or something to that effect. If you want to check it out, it’s at the north end of the Tel Aviv port, around number 26 I believe.

Strange, wacky place, Tel Aviv. But hey, I’m all for free markets, lesbian sex shops included.

Chief Copper Danino Says Feiglin Should be Prohibited from Going to Temple Mount

rafifarber Humor, Temple Mount, The Jewish Libertarian Blog , ,

In a fit stupidity, Yochanan Danino, the pudgy government bureaucrat charged with a monopoly on the security market, said today that Moshe Feiglin should not be allowed up to Har Habayit in the name of “maintaining the status quo”.

He added: אנחנו אומרים – תעזבו את הר הבית

“We say, forget the Temple Mount!”

I say, I wonder what Danino said at his wedding under the chuppah right before he broke the glass. It was probably something like:

Forget thee, Oh Jerusalem, and may my right hand wither!

Let my tongue stick to the roof of my mouth if I ever dare to remember you!

If I have the audacity to place Jerusalem at the peak of my happiness!

*SMASH*

Mazel Tov!

I can’t wait for this man to be fired when Moshe is elected Prime Minister. Then we will all forget thee, oh Yochanan Danino, bureaucrat.

LOVELY Satmar Rav Says Jerusalem Massacre Due To Jews Visiting Temple Mount

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Leave it to the head of the Satmar Gang to always say the right thing at the right time. Hey, I’ve got no problem with people saying offensive things. There’s nothing wrong with offending people, as long as what you’re saying is true. And maybe it is true that five innocent people were murdered because I went up to the Temple Mount several times and these people died for my sins. If so, I guess I have to thank them.

From Arutz Sheva:

“Regarding the prohibition of ascending the Temple Mount, which all Jews who fear G-d know demands the punishment of karet [a severe punishment; open to interpretation, could mean premature death or spiritual excision – ed.], it has unfortunately become easy for people to take it lightly because of false beliefs,” he stated. “Who knows how many victims were killed by observantJews going up to the Temple Mount, and who knows what it will cost us, G-d have mercy, as a result of them.”

However, I’d prefer accusations leveled against me and Jews like me who visit the Temple Mount regularly, to be logically substantiated.

For example, Teitelbaum could say something like “I had a conversation with God last night while I was blowing my nose with one of the hundred dollar bills one of my Hassidim gave me in exchange for a bracha for parnassa, and God told me that he was going to kill five random innocent people because Rafi Farber went up to Har Habayit the other day.”

I would respond, “You have a recording?”

He would say no, and I’d tell him to bug his house for the next time God informs him personally that people are going to die because of me, and send me the recording, and then I’ll stop going to Har Habayit. I’d ask him to just email it to me in an attachment but then more people might die because I made him use the internet.

So, point is, the Satmar Rav is a schmuck for saying things that he has no proof of, evidence for, or any logical case at all, but we all knew that already.

Everyone has a crazy uncle in his family that likes yelling. So when we hear this nonsense, just tell yourself it’s Teitelbaum shooting his mouth off again. Somebody give this man a joint. It’ll calm him down a bit. He can even roll it in one of the $100 bills he gets from his hassidim looking for a bracha.

SARCASM Jewish Worshipers Provoked Arab Murderers By Praying for Rebuilt Temple in Jerusalem

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Five are now dead in Har Nof including Rosh Yeshiva Moshe Twersky. No one in the Yeshiva was armed at the time. The murderers were killed so at least Netanyahu won’t be able to exchange them in the next good will gesture.

Baruch Dayan Emet. But on to the sarcastic part.

Observant Jews generally pray the morning service every day of their lives. We call it davening shacharis. When halachically observant Jews daven shacharis, they wear these things called phylacteries, or tefillin, on their arm and head. Inside the tefillin are sections from the Torah about, among other things, what we are supposed to do after we settle in Israel. Exodus 13:11, right on our heads:

And it will come to pass when the Lord will bring you into the land of the Canaanite, as He swore to you and to your forefathers, and He has given it to you,

Provocation right there. We should all stop wearing tefillin, as it’s insulting to the Arabs.

We also generally ask for the rebuilding of the Holy Temple in Jerusalem, Binyan Beis HaMikdash in our parlance, and we all say that we want it built right on the Dome of the Rock. We say this several times a day. Clearly this is a call for a holy war against Muslims and must be stopped. Big provocation:

May it be your will God and God of our Fathers, that the Temple be rebuilt speedily in our lifetimes, and give us a part in your Torah, and there we will worship you in awe as we did in the old days and in years past.

Right wing extremism clearly. That line should be forcibly censored by the government from ever being said by anyone lest they provoke a religious war. Praying like this should not only be illegal on the Temple Mount itself, but anywhere and everywhere. After all, just because one has the right to pray for whatever he likes, does not mean that one should exercise that right indiscriminately and risk a holy war. I hear this claim all the time in the statist media.

Do we expect the Arabs to just simply do nothing while we pray for the destruction of the Dome of the Rock? Clearly not. We’re asking for it unless we all stop praying for the rebuilding of the Temple immediately.

?פיקוח נפש דוחה שבת, דוחה תפילה לא כל שכן

Secret Service Lets an armed convict in an elevator with Obama

rafifarber Humor, The Jewish Libertarian Blog , ,

Just to clarify, I have no problem with the Secret Service letting an armed convict in the elevator with Obama. I don’t care about Obama, and though I do not wish the man ill at all and I only hope he returns to private life as soon as possible, his safety is no concern of mine. So I am not writing this with a feeling of “how dare they”. More of a “they’re idiots”. In any case, here’s another screw up by the Secret Service that is being reported now.

From Fox News (no I am not a Fox News fan. I just go there for headlines out of habit from when I used to be a neocon. Though I have to admit it’s getting really annoying looking at even a small thumbnail picture of O’Reilly pointing at me with his pompous finger. Every time. That’s the pose they catch him in every time.)

President Obama shared an elevator earlier this month with an armed security contractor who has three felony convictions relating to assault and battery, in the latest report of a serious violation of Secret Service security protocols.

Multiple sources confirmed to Fox News the incident, which took place in an elevator during Obama’s Sept. 16 visit to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta. The incident was first reported by The Washington Post and the Washington Examiner.

The latest embarrassment for the Secret Service comes after agency Director Julia Pierson told lawmakers at a Tuesday hearing “she took full responsibility” for a Sept. 19 breach of the White House. Pierson admitted that presidential security fell apart when a knife-wielding intruder jumped a White House fence earlier this month and sprinted untouched across the lawn, entering the first family’s residence through an unlocked door and making his way into the East Room reception area.

This was not a convict by strictly government definition, like a harmless drug user or dealer or insider trader or tax evader. This was a guy convicted three times of assault and battery, an actual, real crime that in a minarchist society would actually be government’s role to punish.

This is even more proof that there is no government elite. Almost all of them are dumb. The regulator bureaucrats and the actual government officials together. It’s all a show to make you think your rulers are more competent than they actually are, that they can put together a Jason Bourne to protect the world or something, when they’re all just a bunch of bumblers.

I would exclude from that any skilled worder who works in an industry that is monopolized by the government, like a doctor. Included though are most postal workers, cops, and Empire-maintenance soldiers invading whatever country they’re invading and inspiring the next terrorist group. I think the US is invading Syria now is it? Have fun.

 

 

It took the Secret Service Four Days to Figure out the White House was Fired on

rafifarber Humor, The Jewish Libertarian Blog

This is more proof that the myth of government “elite forces” is just that – a myth. The FBI, the CIA, the NSA, the Secret Service, are all a bunch of stupid bureaucrats that couldn’t get a job in the actual economy producing anything of value. The difference between them and an everyday bureaucrat is that the Secret Service bureaucrats have fancy tools and gizmos and gadgets all made in the private economy by people that produce things. Then Congress takes money from you and buys toys for the Secret Service, whose job it is supposedly to protect the President.

And it took them 4 days to figure out that the White House had been shot at 7 times. They had to be told by the housekeeper who noticed broken glass and a chunk of cement on the floor, because they couldn’t figure it out for themselves, what with the bullet holes and all being so small. I wonder if the White House housekeeper is an illegal immigrant. From the Washington Post:

It took the Secret Service four days to realize that shots had hit the White House residence, a discovery that came about only because a housekeeper noticed broken glass and a chunk of cement on the floor.

If a private security force made this kind of mistake, the whole company would be fired. But remember, none of these people were smart enough to get a real job, either that or they were stupid enough to want to work for the government in the first place.