On November 4th, Oregon, Alaska, and Washington DC will become the 3rd, 4th, and 5th states in America to make imbibing marijuana for fun a legal activity. Washington DC is a shoe-in with 65% support for the measure. The capitol will soon erupt in a ball of bong haze and there’s nothing the politicos can do about it. They should make sure not to inhale, or pass a law that all politicians in DC must wear gas masks so as not to be affected by THC clouds and set a good example for the children. Oregon voters are strongly in favor of legalization 52% to 41%. Alaska is a bit weird with two polls saying extremely opposite things, but it’s really cold there, so what do you expect really.

I’ve smoked pot twice in my life. The first time, nothing happened except coughing from smoke inhalation, and that was in 9th grade. The second time I was 29, about 15 months ago I took two hits of some high THC strain grown in Homestead and I couldn’t string a single thought together for 3 hours but it really felt like 2 weeks because time was going by so slowly (and time can do so much…blah blah…hold me tight…I need your love), except  for blurting out, “Why would ANYONE start a WAR?”

Other than that all I could do was laugh, not that anything was actually funny, I was just laughing continuously for no reason and my face really hurt because I couldn’t relax my facial muscles from all the laughing. I also remember my throat hurting, specifically my Adam’s apple, because the laughter was so constant and continuous that it got in the way of my swallowing reflex to the point that when I had to swallow, the laughing forced my Adam’s apple up while the swallowing pushed it down and I thought I was going to choke in my own larynx or bruise it.

So yeah, I haven’t touched the stuff since then. But as for the real point of this post, it’s that if Oregon, Alaska, and DC all legalize cannabis, the world will blow up and yada yada. You want to know why? Here’s why.

The Top 10 Reasons Why Pot Legalization Means Doom

10) Legalize weed and people might start to figure out, en masse all the words to La Cucaracha. We can’t have that.

9) If weed is legal, patients suffering from acute pain for whatever reason will start smoking it because there are no side effects nor any risk of addiction. The 128 MILLION prescriptions for the addictive opioid Vicodin written just last year will drop like a rock and the pharmaceutical companies that rely on these prescriptions including those for Percocet, Oxycontin, Percodan, Endodan, Dicodid, Hycodan, Hycomine, Lorcet, Lortab, Norco, Tussionex, and other derivatives of heroin for their revenue will go bankrupt, pushing up the unemployment rate in America at a time of fragile economic growth, precisely the thing we don’t need at this time.

8) If grass is legal, Barack Obama might start smoking it instead of cigarettes, which might calm the schmuck down enough to stall for just FIVE SECONDS before our Nobel Peace Prize Fighter decides to bomb ANOTHER Muslim country.

7) If marijuana is legalized, urban primitives looking to buy some won’t have to descend into dangerous neighborhoods at 5:00am in places like San Francisco, knock on the wrong door, and get shot and killed, like what happened to some 18 year old punk named Daniel Beltran on July 23. Instead, he could just go to a dispensary, or Wal Mart, or whatever, and probably not have to get murdered by the cashier. This would save hundreds if not thousands of lives every year of punks who would otherwise succumb to drug-related street crime. Who needs thousands of extra pot addicts roaming the streets anyway? We have an overpopulation problem as it is.

6) Legalizing pot would mean that smuggling marijuana into the US via Mexico would become unprofitable, and it would simply stop. That’s it. Done. No more pot smuggling. This would mean that movies like “We’re the Millers” starring Jennifer Aniston would have no plotline, and neither would Pineapple Express, and we all know that that those were great movies. And who knows how many CSI episodes and other drug-smuggling based plots focusing on marijuana would no longer be written? They would have to focus exclusively on cocaine and heroin, PCP, etc, which would only expose our children to even harder drugs on TV and in movies, until we legalized those, and then there would be no movies about drug smuggling at all. Think of all the writer’s block.

5) If marijuana is legal, cancer patients could take cannabis oil and cure themselves with minimal side effects without chemotherapy OR FDA approval. All the billions spent on oncology treatments every year would vanish, saving hundreds of thousands of lives and bankrupting 90% of the oncology-industrial complex. That would mean more people to feed and less aggregate demand in the economy. A depression would ensue, which could only be avoided if the government prints up $700 billion dollars to bail out failing oncology-focused pharmaceutical companies. Another bailout that size is politically untenable.

4) If marijuana were suddenly legal, it will send a message that people like Jonathan Magbie died in vain. Magbie, a 27 year old black guy who became a quadriplegic as a kid when he was hit by a drunk driver, was sentenced to 10 days in prison in 2004 for possessing a small amount of pot that he smoked to relieve his constant pain. Magbie was given the opportunity by Judge Judith Retchin to avoid a prison sentence if he would just swear off pot, but the bastard wouldn’t because he said it was the only thing that relieved his pain. So the Honorable Retchin gave him 10 days in prison as a punishment for his recalcitrance, even though he was a first time offender who needed constant care and a ventilator. Having no ventilator in prison, he simply died. But he died for THE LAW. And everyone knows that without respect for THE LAW society would descend into anarchy and we would all proceed to eat one another. But if THE LAW against marijuana is repealed, Magbie will have died for nothing! Do we really, as a society, want to spit on Magbie’s grave such? Hasn’t his family suffered enough?

3) If marijuana is legal, then so is hemp. That’s bad. We don’t want people making stuff out of hemp. It’s unseemly. Seeing all those hemp logos on back packs will send a bad message to the children who might come to think that hemp is OK. And it’s not. It is NOT. It’s HEMP for God’s sake! HEMP! HELLO!? HAVE WE ALL GONE MAD?!

2) Legalizing pot will send a very bad message to our innocent children, innocent children who are all doped up on Ritalin, Metadate, Concerta, Adderall, Lexapro, Effexor, Cymbalta, Zoloft, and Paxil. That bad message will be, “Taking drugs to calm you down and make you feel better is fine, even if that drug grows on a plant instead of being developed in a Big Pharma laboratory.” We certainly don’t want that horrible message being spread.

And The #1 Reason Why Legalizing Cannabis Will Necessarily Mean The End Of The World

1) If cannabis is legal, its price will go down and alcoholics will turn to pot instead of heavy drinking. Distilleries, wineries, and beer brewers will all feel the squeeze and there will be massive unemployment in the alcoholic beverages sector, and these disgruntled newly unemployed workers will then also start smoking pot out of depression. The money these unemployed distillers used to spend will no longer be spent, creating more unemployment in ever widening circles in an unstoppable Keynesian positive feedback lack-of-animal-spirits loop whereby everyone on the planet, within a few years, will be smoking pot to the point that the Earth itself will get so high that it will forget to keep spinning on its axis. The sun will then pull us all in as the globe loses orbital momentum and we will all die in a giant nuclear fireball that will smell like pot as the planet burns. This will set a bad example for the children, who really shouldn’t be smelling that stuff.