What Libertarians really hear when people say…

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People say…

It’s unthinkable that some workers aren’t paid a living wage. The minimum wage should be raised to at least $15 an hour so that everyone who works can afford to buy XYZ.

A libertarian hears…

It’s unthinkable that some workers aren’t paid a living wage, even though I have never employed a single person in my life. Anyone who isn’t worth at least $15 an hour should not be legally allowed to work at all. If they dare work, the government should arrest both employer and laborer immediately. That way, only the people whose labor is worth $15 an hour will have jobs, and everyone else can live off taxpayers.

People say…

OPEC is a cartel that will do anything to drive the price of oil down in order to bankrupt the American oil industry. To protect the American oil industry from OPEC flooding the market and driving the oil price down, Obama should raise a 30% tariff on oil imports.

A libertarian hears…

The government should force Americans to pay 30% more for oil by having the government take 30% of it, instead of some other industry getting the difference. In fact, all trade with America should be forbidden so American companies can supply Americans with everything. In fact, each state should forbid commerce with every other state in order to protect all state-level companies. Same with cities, blocks, and individuals. The division of labor should be made illegal.

People say…

(REWIND 8 YEARS) Oil is too expensive because OPEC is a cartel and they’ll do anything they can to jack up the price of oil. The US needs to put pressure on Saudi Arabia to pump more oil.

A libertarian hears…

Facepalm.

People say…

I don’t buy goods produced in third world sweatshops because that is immoral.

A libertarian hears…

People who used to be starving and prostituting themselves on the street who are now working in sweatshops should go back to starving and prostituting themselves on the street, because sweatshops are immoral.

People say…

Women deserve equal pay to men in the workplace. Anything else is sexist.

A libertarian hears…

Any woman found accepting a job at a pay lower than what I think is reasonable, even though I don’t own or run a business and never have, should be forced to quit if she can’t get a raise. This should not apply to men. Anything else is sexist.

People say…

ISIS needs to be bombed so Islamic fundamentalist terror will finally stop.

A libertarian hears…

The best way to get people to stop wanting to kill you is to invade and bomb their country. Then they’ll give up and be your friend.

People say…

The US should bomb all the bad guys. Russia should get out of Ukraine because Putin is a megalomaniac.

A libertarian hears…

When the US bombs and invades anyone, it’s always good. When anyone else bombs and invades anyone, it’s always bad. Go red white and blue team!

People say…

The government needs to spend more to get the economy out of its funk

A libertarian hears…

$18 trillion of debt is not enough. If we up it to $30 trillion that should do it. Maybe it’ll take more though.

 

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