Any Parent Who Allows Her Child To Enter a Room Alone With a Male Is An Idiot

In a world where yetzer hara (the evil inclination, AKA evolutionary biology) exists, it is best to accept its existence and live your life accordingly, rather than wishing it didn’t exist and living your life as if it didn’t.

Considering how deep of a rock I live under, I was actually surprised by the story of some doctor named Nassar (already a name I don’t like so much a la the Egyptian politician who murdered thousands of Jews) who sexually abused a bunch of female gymnasts that he was supposed to take care of as doctor of the US Olympics team. My wife is a gymnast so I take this a bit more personally than most.

The guy started out by abusing these girls under the guise of medical examinations. As a male, I can understand, though not tolerate, why a man would sexually abuse a young girl. And because I can understand it, theoretically speaking, I understand what is needed to stop this evil most effectively.

What is to understand? Women will not be able to understand it, but men reading this post will understand it very easily. Imagine that you are either an invincible alpha who can get any girl he wants, or that you are a beta and have been rejected all your life, from middle school all the way to age 40. Either you can get sex whenever you want and it’s not emotionally fulfilling, or you never had emotionally fulfilling sex because you can’t get much sex at all, never been validated as an attractive male, or your marriage is only a settled affair and your wife is dominant and you submissive and unfulfilled and you feel emasculated. Many many feel this way. Not all men with these kinds of lives become abusers, because some have very strong yetzer tov. Some, a very minor percentage, do.

Any male can theoretically have either kind of life.

Any mother (yes mother, because they make most of these sorts of decisions in actual reality) of any child should know this, and should absolutely forbid their children from being in a room with any male, unaccompanied, in any situation whatsoever. You can hope and wish and want men to behave differently and think that this is this is the “right thing” or the “feminist” thing or whatever you want, but that will not protect your children or yourself. It just won’t.

If you, a parent, allow your child in a room alone with any male at all ever, regardless of professional titles or anything else, you are absolutely negligent.

In our old neighborhood we had a girl who would come to our house every so often to hang out and play with our kids. She was 8 or 9 or so, our girls were babies or toddlers. One day my wife told me that the mother of this girl forbade her from coming over when my wife was not present in the house. At first I was slightly offended. Who would possibly think I was a child abuser? And then I accepted it and was happy about it. She’s being responsible and careful and I’m a male. I got it. No problem. Be a parent. She doesn’t know who I am and she should take no chances. It just makes sense.

No child above the age of 3 should go into any room alone with a male who is sexually mature, period, end of story, that’s it, for any reason, even medical. They should always be accompanied by a family member or 100% trusted friend, always. This is why Halacha defines sexual maturity for girls at age 3 and boys at 9. Because Chazal knew and understood the depravity of men, even the best men. Most of us control ourselves without all that much trouble. Those of us with happy marriages control ourselves better than others.

But if you are a parent, it is best not to deny that we all evolved from primitive creatures (sorry frummies), and that the instincts of these primitives are still inside us in our reptilian brains. Culture prevents most of us from doing anything abusive. But not all.

Just be careful and assume all men are pigs. ALL men, without exception, literally.



2 thoughts on “Any Parent Who Allows Her Child To Enter a Room Alone With a Male Is An Idiot

  1. I’ve had a few days to chew on your post. I have been aware for many years the difficult position women sometimes find themselves in when they are alone with men. Not all men. Not even many men, but certainly some men. The question women have always had to ask themselves is how much they can trust men, only to find that they invariably guess wrong at times, leading to unwanted and disturbing events like molestation and rape. A prudent woman has automatic mistrust of men, until proven otherwise. Not being one of ‘those men’, I was always troubled by being included in the mistrust for the mere fact of being male, though I understood that my role in these situations was to do everything in my power to remove her need to worry about my intentions, including avoiding being entirely alone with a woman who is not my wife. This has not been hard, since most women have no cause to be alone with me anyway. I have a couple of close female friends who sometimes break those unspoken rules, but we have well-established boundaries, not unlike my relationships with my male friends.

    There is also a bit of self-preservation involved in my behavior, as I cannot be falsely accused of improper behavior if I always have witnesses. I trust my close female friends like family members, and they trust me. We would never break that bond. For all other women, I keep everything in the open, not out of conscious avoidance, but through unconscious habit.

    Children, however, must navigate an even more difficult terrain. On the one hand, they are usually taught to respect and defer to the authority of adults, but on the other hand they are taught to avoid contact with adult strangers. This is an easy concept for an adult to understand, but for a child it is a minefield of confusion. Do they follow the instructions of the adult because he is an adult, or do they avoid the adult because he is a stranger? A sixteen year old will make the distinction, but it is not so clear that a six year old can.

    What’s more is that molesters work hard to gain the trust of a child in order to turn themselves into friends instead of strangers, thereby getting around the cautionary rule. From that position of trust, they can manipulate children for their purposes. Again, not being one of “those males,” I am aware of the complex situation I am part of. I am doing children no favors by reaching out to befriend them in the absence of a parent because I would be eroding the cautionary rule about trusting strangers, though I mean no harm by it. Indeed, as a ‘normal’ male, I see my role as a protector against all forms of exploitation of children, but I have to acknowledge that I must remain a bit aloof in order to not do more harm than good, while remaining watchful of their well-being. This also is not a conscious act on my part, just an unconscious habit formed by my own upbringing. If I gave it some additional thought, I’d keep in mind that there have been terrible incidences in recent memory of false accusations by children that have ruined adult lives. I’m thinking of the McMartin case, and the absurd but devastating Wenachee (spelling?) case.

    For all parties concerned, your rule of not allowing children to be alone with males is sound, though it seems harsh to innocent males, which is the vast majority of us. We must recognize that the bias against us is prudent, not irrational, and we need to own it as a necessary part of reality.

    BTW, with the many recent cases of female teachers bedding male students, there is some cause for concern there, too. Or shall we take George Carlin’s approach and call them “lucky little bastards”?

    • Always appreciate your wise comments Ron. Thanks for adding your take. What I would add to your insight is that libertarians tend to eschew entirely the group mentality. If a man rapes a woman, why should other men be suspect? We are all individuals and that sort of thinking. I agree with this generally and think much more strongly in individualistic terms. But I still do have a group mentality that I don’t throw out entirely. Men tend to be the sexual aggressors compared to women. So even if a woman trusts a man entirely and vice versa (as in your case), it’s still wise to entirely avoid, on principle, being alone in a room with her if you’re not married to each other. Men have standards they should keep to and women as well, and they are different by virtue of the groups that we are in. Even though we are individuals etc. Precaution does not mean guilt. It just means being rational.

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