How I explain Israeli elections to my 4 and 3 year old

Walking my 4-year old to Gan this morning. She sees a picture of Lieberman on the fence. She asks who it is. I say “That’s a very bad man.”

“Why is he bad?”

“Because he wants to take our freckles away (freckles is our word for shekels) and if we don’t give him our freckles, he wants to put us in jail.”

Then we get to the Gan and there’s a picture of Bibi looking my child in the face with that sneer. And I tell her he’s really bad, too. So she asks why he’s on the wall. I tell her that he’s the one who tells everyone which Gan to go to and if anyone tries to go to a different Gan without him saying yes, he will put them in jail.

He’s also the biggest one taking away all your freckles. And under him is Yigal Freaking Lahav the Retroactive Tax Douche. (I didn’t use those words.) I told her that he was SO bad that not only did he take our freckles away, but he told us he was only going to take 100 away, and then he took away 200!

Elections, I explain, is when all the bad people who take your shekels away come together and make you pick which one of them is going to be the biggest one. Then they all come together in one group anyway and take even more stuff away from you. But since they want us to pick one of them to be the biggest one, some people think that the one they pick will take more freckles away from somebody else to give it to them.

“That sounds bad,” says my 4 year old.

“Yes. It’s very bad.” (1:17)

 

Varoufakis Goes Full Retard

Never go full retard.

(I realize that this joke is insensitive, but I couldn’t resist. Forgive me.)

When you go politician, you go a little bit in, dabble your foot, play with words, deflect a question or two. But you never go full politician. ESPECIALLY when you state publicly that you will resign the minute you sense that you are turning into a politician.

Yanis Varoufakis has gone full politician, full retard, no holds barred (I don’t know what that means) all-in, I call your “Definition of Is” and raise you a “My twitter account was hacked and that’s not my penis!” and add another quadrillion.

Caught in a 2013 video giving the finger to Germany, Varoufakis replied:

“That video was doctored. I’ve never given the finger, I’ve never given the middle finger ever.”

Are you #$%^ing kidding me Yanis? Doctored? That’s what you’ve been reduced to? Taking Hedonism-Bot pictures of yourself living a life of luxury off of BAILOUT money?

Varoufakis Goes Full Retard
Varoufakis and his Trophy Wife, Living it Up on Bailout Money While Greece Burns
Yanis Varoufakis
Yanis Varoufakis’s Cartoon Doppleganger

And then THIS? Denying you gave the finger when you CLEARLY did, and even if it were, by some crazy conspiracy, actually doctored, you were CLEARLY TALKING ABOUT IT YOU IDIOT! (Finger at 1:50 mark)

What a disgrace you have become. NOT because you gave the middle finger to Germany. If you want to give the finger to Germany, give the finger to Germany! Just default and leave them holding the bag, see what happens! Just like you said!

But you know why he’s going full politician and has to calm the waters now by pathetic lying? Because if he really gives them the finger now, he’s kicked out of the Euro. Varoufakis never wanted to leave the Euro immediately. Why? Because his problem is that Greece has no Drachma to stuff its banks with and he thinks that the economy would have no money and revert to BARTER (such stupidity) for 8 months while they were busy printing them. He doesn’t understand that money would revert to gold and silver and copper and prices would adjust accordingly automatically. But that’s because he’s a Marxist idiot.

He also doesn’t want the Greeks to know he’s printing Drachma because then Euros would flee the country so as not to be converted to Drachma. So what he wants to do is SECRETLY print drachma, THEN default, THEN watch the value of the Euro tank to nothing, THEN tell the Greeks he has Drachma, THEN leave the Euro. He makes that sick evil scheme VERY CLEAR at the end of the video.

Result being that Greeks do not have the opportunity to ship whatever money they have left out of the country, everyone loses his savings while the government gets to start fresh, spending money, zero debt. That’s why he’s going full retard. Because he’s busy stealth printing Drachma, and when he defaults, he wants to convert Euros overnight to Drachma without warning his people. Screw him.

Greeks, get your money OUT of the country NOW and out of the Euro as well or you will all lose everything because of full retards like this clown. Varoufakis is going to sink the ship without warning you first. I’m warning you now.

Afra Lepumei, Yanis Varoufakis. What a joke. I’m ashamed I ever thought anything positive of you.

Why Bennett is so bad and Bayit Yehudi Is the worst, most dangerous party

But I will still vote for them if someone pays me to.

Why is Bennett so bad? Just in terms of the number of people he is responsible for killing indirectly, and those who have yet to die because of him. Yes, die, because of him. Early on in the last coalition, Netanyahu wanted to do a prisoner release as a good will gesture to Abbas. The budget had not yet passed. Moshe Feiglin was going around to the the most right wing of right wingers in the coalition, telling them that the only way to stop this release of murderers was to vote against the budget, thereby bringing down the government. Bibi would have to recant, and the deal wouldn’t go through.

Moshe needed 3 more people to vote against the budget. That’s it. Bennett had 12. But not even Orit Struck, the most right wing of right wing of right wingers, mehadrin min hamehadrin, would vote against the budget to stop the terrorist release. I don’t like the word terrorist but I’m using it here so people who do like that word understand.

Orit Struck, who was kicked out of Sinai back in 1982, not even she would threaten to bring down the government. Only Moshe. Certainly not Bennett. But if Bennett had instructed his sheep to do so, they would have done it, and murderers would not be on the streets now. And Jews will die, and have died, because of it. Because to Bennett, what matters more than Jewish lives is his seat in the government.

Don’t sugarcoat it. In the end he had to make a decision. Seat in government, or block terrorist release. He chose the former. So did Struck.

The other stuff has to do with medical marijuana – anyone against that, that has the power to make it available to the sick but chooses not to, has no heart or pity and may deserve (I’m not God so I only say “may”) to die in pain for the pain he causes the sick and dying. I hate him for that and though I don’t wish pain on anybody – not even Bennett – if he suffers terrible pain from a disease (which I am not wishing upon him, to be clear) it would be midah keneged midah, theoretically.

Medical cannabis is a joke issue to those who don’t know what it’s like to have a relative sick and dying of cancer who can’t get a joint because some bureaucrat says he doesn’t need it. The chemo patients vomiting blood and unable to eat for weeks and have to be fed intravenously because the Medical Cannabis Regulation Office doesn’t want to give out too many government prescriptions. His fault. HIS FAULT HIS FAULT HIS FAULT. I look at and hear about people in pain and I think Bennett, and German, and other loathsome jerks walking around healthy and it drives me crazy.

Let alone if you are among the crowd that truly believes hash oil is a cancer cure. I’m not fully in that camp, but those who are should be able to test it and try it and grow it and smoke it and eat it and sell it and buy it and anything they damn will please with absolutely no restrictions whatsoever period. Every time a dying cancer patient screams in pain it’s because of him – others too, but he’s included.

Then there’s the issue of the Jerusalem law to require 80 MK’s to give away the city, which he voted against to keep his stupid job as “minister of the economy” whatever the hell that means.

And there’s the Yisrael Hayom Law which forbids passing around free newspapers for God’s sake, which he came out “against” but did not, conveniently, tell his mindless wacko lackey Ayelet Shaked to shut up about. And that’s the thing with this guy. He takes the positive press for being “against” it when he knows it will pass anyway, but does not instruct his party to vote against it when it could actually threaten its passage.

There’s more, but I focus a lot on him because he talks the talk, but never stands up for what he says he believes in. And people just don’t get it. He vacuums in positive energy of people who think something good will come of him and he flushes all that energy into a bottomless stinking latrine. Nothing good will come out of this fake. Nothing.

All the people under his leadership would be good people if led by an actual person, like Feiglin. But he takes the positive energy in people like Struck and he channels it into the garbage. He’s like a lightning rod for goodness, channeling it through him and dumping it into nowhere so it doesn’t do anything and he keeps his stupid job.

If you vote for him and understand that, then fine. If you vote for him thinking that he’s a good guy, then you’re part of the problem.

I’m voting Arabs unless someone pays me not to

My recent Facebook post.

Alright Facebook feed. I’m now going to blackmail you, and I’m serious. The Satmars have offered me $100 not to vote. But since I’m not 100% sure they’ll pay up as I don’t dress Satmar, I’m going to do something else.

I’m going to vote for the Arab Party because I don’t think it makes a difference and the only thing I really want to see is no possible coalition, and I think that the larger the Arab party, the less likely a government is to form at all. The government, the whole thing, is my enemy, and I want it as weak as possible.

The only way I will not vote for the Arabs is if someone convinces me not to, and the only way you can convince me not to is by paying me money. Words will not convince me of anything.

So if you think it’s really important that I not vote for the Arab party, put up your pledge. If we reach $100, I won’t vote at all. If you want me to vote for a specific party, say which one and pledge your amount. The party with the most pledges above $100 gets my vote. You can also PM me if you want, but any name calling will be promptly deleted from the thread.

100% of all proceeds will be donated to the Tzedaka of your choice in the amount of your pledge, but no government-run tzedaka and no political parties. All proceeds must be collected before Tuesday or I’m voting Tibi.

Iran’s “Evil” and the Fear-Based Incessant Warmongering of Right Wing Jews

The backing to this post is the video below. The point of the video, in a single sentence, is that Iran is now fighting ISIS, which is a good thing. They are fighting ISIS because Iran is Shiite and ISIS is Sunni. Or maybe it’s the other way around. Who cares. I certainly don’t.

Ron Paul asks the question, very basic. If Iran is fighting ISIS, shouldn’t Israel send her a thank you note?

Well, yes, they should. It should be hand written by Netanyahu with profuse apologies for badmouthing the Iranians. No, not because the Iranians are good amazing great liberty-focused people. But because it would be good for peacemaking and dialing back the possibility of bombs flying and people here and in Iran getting killed who have nothing to do with a spat between loudmouthed warmongering schmucks like Netanyahu and Khamenei.

Why is it that when I or someone like me even suggests that Netanyahu, instead of drumming up war fever on Capitol Hill, write a nice letter to Zarif or Khamenei, just thanking them for fighting ISIS, or for saying that Iran doesn’t want to nuke Israel? It would be nice. A nice thing. Maybe it would calm things down. Maybe it would decrease the chances of war by 1%.

Are there security concerns against sending a letter, for God’s sake? What is wrong with talking? Why do Jews, especially, under Netanyahu’s or AIPAC’s spell insist that peaceful overtures to Iran are the worst possible thing that anybody can do, and anyone who even suggests saying nice things instead of war language is a sympathizer with terrorists?

Here’s what I want, from the Israeli government, to the Iranian government:

Dear Persian People,

Hello, Benjamin Netanyahu here. I realize I’ve been such a dick lately, but it’s because I’m really worried about your nuclear program and the words of your past president Ahmadinajad. I believe he said something about wiping Israel off the map, which made me nervous and upset. Could you explain that please? Maybe I misheard, or misread. But I recently read that your Foreign Minister Mohammad Zarif said he does not want to nuke us. That was very nice, and I appreciate it. I also read that you are now fighting ISIS on your borders. I thank you for that. I offer Israel’s financial assistance and intelligence cooperation if you wish. It could be discreet, you wouldn’t have to tell anyone.

I would like to invite you to chat on the phone about this any time, and perhaps we could have a meeting on Skype about how to mutually tone down the rhetoric, and perhaps we could save our countries a war or two. Let me know!

Sincerely Yours,

Bibi

Does this mean Israel has to ignore the nuclear program? No. It simply means Israel should make peaceful overtures, because it’s a nice thing to do. That’s it. Can we do that?

No, because someone will accuse me of sympathizing with ISIS now. Even though IRAN IS THE ONE FIGHTING ISIS RIGHT NOW.

Socialist Healthcare in Action: Doctor Googles Antibiotics in Front of Me

I have no problem with doctors Googling things in front of me. Really, I don’t, it’s fine. It’s just funny that they do it and aren’t embarrassed about it. In fact, the doctor that did this is actually a pretty good one as State doctors go.

But anyway, my wife has strep last week, so she is immobilized and I have to take care of 3 kids by myself, one with a butt problem and a stomach problem, a baby with a stomach problem and a 4 year old who is sort helpful but is still a 4 year old. The doctor gives her penicillin, which has never worked for her before. The doctor said it is proven to work.

Unsurprisingly, it doesn’t work, and the strep comes back. She is immobilized again, and wants another strep test. The nurse refuses, saying that since she already had antibiotics, she can’t have strep. I guess it’s illegal. Nobody told the schmekl male nurse that bacteria doesn’t follow government protocol.

Meanwhile the one with the tushy problem we go in for an appointment and we say we suspect parasites. The pediatrician asks what parasites are.

Added to that, this time I have a staph infection in right ring finger and I need antibiotics too. But I can still move around. So wife goes to a neighborhood Leumit doctor who gives her the same penicillin again, insisting that it works. It doesn’t work, again. We make another appointment at the state-funded Kupat Cholim and she explains the situation to the doctor, and tells him she has strep again, and she needs a stronger antibiotic because penicillin has never worked for her as a kid.

He orders a strep test, and lo and behold it is positive. He looks at my finger and says I could lose a fingernail and gives me ointment and puts me on the same antibiotics.

Wife asks if the stronger antibiotics have side effects for breast feeding. So…

He Googles it. We already Googled it.

And his government computer crashes.

Sometimes I think God is whispering personal jokes into my ear, because I’m the only one that gets them.

My fingernail is still on my hand. But if by Sunday it gets worse, I may have to get surgified.

70 Years too late? Greece Now Demands Money from Germany over WWII

This won’t go over well with the Germans. The Greeks are now playing the Nazi/WWII card.

Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras accused Germany on Tuesday of using legal tricks to avoid paying reparations for the Nazi occupation of Greece and said he would support parliamentary efforts to review the matter.

His comments are likely to heighten tensions between Athens and Berlin as Greece’s new, leftist government struggles to persuade its euro zone partners to renegotiate the terms of a 240 billion euro ($260 billion) bailout.

Germany last month rejected renewed calls from Greece for war compensation, saying the issue had been settled at world power talks that led to German reunification in 1990.

But Tsipras said his government approved plans to revive a parliamentary commission to look into the issue.

Forget whether the Germans owe anything. Maybe they do. Maybe they don’t. Legally, I have no idea, as legalism are made up by the victors. Morally, maybe, I’m not God. But clearly, this is a soured attempt by the Greeks to actually pathetically bully the Germans into giving them more money, and it is so plainly obvious it won’t work that you have to wonder if Tsipras is such a dark red commie that maybe he’s actually insane.

You don’t bully a country that’s bailing you out to the tune of $240B. It’s just nuts. If Greece is daring Germany to kick it out of the Eurozone, this pissant move might actually accomplish that.